48. Chapter XLVIII Another Meeting in the Wood

Adam Bede / 亚当·比德

1The next day, at evening, two men were walking from opposite points towards the same scene, drawn thither by a common memory. The scene was the Grove by Donnithorne Chase: you know who the men were.

2The old squires funeral had taken place that morning, the will had been read, and now in the first breathing-space, Arthur Donnithorne had come out for a lonely walk, that he might look fixedly at the new future before him and confirm himself in a sad resolution. He thought he could do that best in the Grove.

3Adam too had come from Stoniton on Monday evening, and to-day he had not left home, except to go to the family at the Hall Farm and tell them everything that Mr. Irwine had left untold. He had agreed with the Poysers that he would follow them to their new neighbourhood, wherever that might be, for he meant to give up the management of the woods, and, as soon as it was practicable, he would wind up his business with Jonathan Burge and settle with his mother and Seth in a home within reach of the friends to whom he felt bound by a mutual sorrow.

4Seth and me are sure to find work,” he said. A man thats got our trade at his finger-ends is at home everywhere; and we must make a new start. My mother wont stand in the way, for shes told me, since I came home, shed made up her mind to being buried in another parish, if I wished it, and if Id be more comfortable elsewhere. Its wonderful how quiet shes been ever since I came back. It seems as if the very greatness othe trouble had quieted and calmed her. We shall all be better in a new country, though theres some I shall be loath to leave behind. But I wont part from you and yours, if I can help it, Mr. Poyser. Troubles made us kin.”

5Aye, lad,” said Martin. Well go out ohearing othat mans name. But I doubt we shall neer go far enough for folks not to find out as weve got them belonging to us as are transported oer the seas, and were like to be hanged. We shall have that flyin’ up in our faces, and our childrens after us.”

6That was a long visit to the Hall Farm, and drew too strongly on Adams energies for him to think of seeing others, or re-entering on his old occupations till the morrow. But to-morrow,” he said to himself, “Ill go to work again. I shall learn to like it again some time, maybe; and its right whether I like it or not.”

7This evening was the last he would allow to be absorbed by sorrow: suspense was gone now, and he must bear the unalterable. He was resolved not to see Arthur Donnithorne again, if it were possible to avoid him. He had no message to deliver from Hetty now, for Hetty had seen Arthur. And Adam distrusted himselfhe had learned to dread the violence of his own feeling. That word of Mr. Irwine’sthat he must remember what he had felt after giving the last blow to Arthur in the Grovehad remained with him.

8These thoughts about Arthur, like all thoughts that are charged with strong feeling, were continually recurring, and they always called up the image of the Groveof that spot under the overarching boughs where he had caught sight of the two bending figures, and had been possessed by sudden rage.

9Ill go and see it again to-night for the last time,” he said; “itll do me good; itll make me feel over again what I felt when Id knocked him down. I felt what poor empty work it was, as soon as Id done it, before I began to think he might be dead.”

10In this way it happened that Arthur and Adam were walking towards the same spot at the same time.

11Adam had on his working-dress again, now, for he had thrown off the other with a sense of relief as soon as he came home; and if he had had the basket of tools over his shoulder, he might have been taken, with his pale wasted face, for the spectre of the Adam Bede who entered the Grove on that August evening eight months ago. But he had no basket of tools, and he was not walking with the old erectness, looking keenly round him; his hands were thrust in his side pockets, and his eyes rested chiefly on the ground. He had not long entered the Grove, and now he paused before a beech. He knew that tree well; it was the boundary mark of his youththe sign, to him, of the time when some of his earliest, strongest feelings had left him. He felt sure they would never return. And yet, at this moment, there was a stirring of affection at the remembrance of that Arthur Donnithorne whom he had believed in before he had come up to this beech eight months ago. It was affection for the dead: that Arthur existed no longer.

12He was disturbed by the sound of approaching footsteps, but the beech stood at a turning in the road, and he could not see who was coming until the tall slim figure in deep mourning suddenly stood before him at only two yardsdistance. They both started, and looked at each other in silence. Often, in the last fortnight, Adam had imagined himself as close to Arthur as this, assailing him with words that should be as harrowing as the voice of remorse, forcing upon him a just share in the misery he had caused; and often, too, he had told himself that such a meeting had better not be. But in imagining the meeting he had always seen Arthur, as he had met him on that evening in the Grove, florid, careless, light of speech; and the figure before him touched him with the signs of suffering. Adam knew what suffering washe could not lay a cruel finger on a bruised man. He felt no impulse that he needed to resist. Silence was more just than reproach. Arthur was the first to speak.

13Adam,” he said, quietly, “it may be a good thing that we have met here, for I wished to see you. I should have asked to see you to-morrow.”

14He paused, but Adam said nothing.

15I know it is painful to you to meet me,” Arthur went on, “but it is not likely to happen again for years to come.”

16No, sir,” said Adam, coldly, “that was what I meant to write to you to-morrow, as it would be better all dealings should be at an end between us, and somebody else put in my place.”

17Arthur felt the answer keenly, and it was not without an effort that he spoke again.

18It was partly on that subject I wished to speak to you. I dont want to lessen your indignation against me, or ask you to do anything for my sake. I only wish to ask you if you will help me to lessen the evil consequences of the past, which is unchangeable. I dont mean consequences to myself, but to others. It is but little I can do, I know. I know the worst consequences will remain; but something may be done, and you can help me. Will you listen to me patiently?”

19Yes, sir,” said Adam, after some hesitation; “Ill hear what it is. If I can help to mend anything, I will. Anger ’ull mend nothing, I know. Weve had enough othat.”

20I was going to the Hermitage,” said Arthur. Will you go there with me and sit down? We can talk better there.”

21The Hermitage had never been entered since they left it together, for Arthur had locked up the key in his desk. And now, when he opened the door, there was the candle burnt out in the socket; there was the chair in the same place where Adam remembered sitting; there was the waste-paper basket full of scraps, and deep down in it, Arthur felt in an instant, there was the little pink silk handkerchief. It would have been painful to enter this place if their previous thoughts had been less painful.

22They sat down opposite each other in the old places, and Arthur said, “Im going away, Adam; Im going into the army.”

23Poor Arthur felt that Adam ought to be affected by this announcementought to have a movement of sympathy towards him. But Adams lips remained firmly closed, and the expression of his face unchanged.

24What I want to say to you,” Arthur continued, “is this: one of my reasons for going away is that no one else may leave Hayslope—may leave their home on my account. I would do anything, there is no sacrifice I would not make, to prevent any further injury to others through mythrough what has happened.”

25Arthurs words had precisely the opposite effect to that he had anticipated. Adam thought he perceived in them that notion of compensation for irretrievable wrong, that self-soothing attempt to make evil bear the same fruits as good, which most of all roused his indignation. He was as strongly impelled to look painful facts right in the face as Arthur was to turn away his eyes from them. Moreover, he had the wakeful suspicious pride of a poor man in the presence of a rich man. He felt his old severity returning as he said, “The times past for that, sir. A man should make sacrifices to keep clear of doing a wrong; sacrifices wont undo it when its done. When peoples feelings have got a deadly wound, they cant be cured with favours.”

26Favours!” said Arthur, passionately; “no; how can you suppose I meant that? But the Poysers—Mr. Irwine tells me the Poysers mean to leave the place where they have lived so many yearsfor generations. Dont you see, as Mr. Irwine does, that if they could be persuaded to overcome the feeling that drives them away, it would be much better for them in the end to remain on the old spot, among the friends and neighbours who know them?”

27Thats true,” said Adam coldly. But then, sir, folkss feelings are not so easily overcome. Itll be hard for Martin Poyser to go to a strange place, among strange faces, when hes been bred up on the Hall Farm, and his father before him; but then it ’ud be harder for a man with his feelings to stay. I dont see how the things to be made any other than hard. Theres a sort odamage, sir, that cant be made up for.”

28Arthur was silent some moments. In spite of other feelings dominant in him this evening, his pride winced under Adams mode of treating him. Wasn’t he himself suffering? Was not he too obliged to renounce his most cherished hopes? It was now as it had been eight months agoAdam was forcing Arthur to feel more intensely the irrevocableness of his own wrong-doing. He was presenting the sort of resistance that was the most irritating to Arthurs eager ardent nature. But his anger was subdued by the same influence that had subdued Adams when they first confronted each otherby the marks of suffering in a long familiar face. The momentary struggle ended in the feeling that he could bear a great deal from Adam, to whom he had been the occasion of bearing so much; but there was a touch of pleading, boyish vexation in his tone as he said, “But people may make injuries worse by unreasonable conductby giving way to anger and satisfying that for the moment, instead of thinking what will be the effect in the future.

29If I were going to stay here and act as landlord,” he added presently, with still more eagerness—“if I were careless about what Ive donewhat Ive been the cause of, you would have some excuse, Adam, for going away and encouraging others to go. You would have some excuse then for trying to make the evil worse. But when I tell you Im going away for yearswhen you know what that means for me, how it cuts off every plan of happiness Ive ever formedit is impossible for a sensible man like you to believe that there is any real ground for the Poysers refusing to remain. I know their feeling about disgraceMr. Irwine has told me all; but he is of opinion that they might be persuaded out of this idea that they are disgraced in the eyes of their neighbours, and that they cant remain on my estate, if you would join him in his effortsif you would stay yourself and go on managing the old woods.”

30Arthur paused a moment and then added, pleadingly, “You know thats a good work to do for the sake of other people, besides the owner. And you dont know but that they may have a better owner soon, whom you will like to work for. If I die, my cousin Tradgett will have the estate and take my name. He is a good fellow.”

31Adam could not help being moved: it was impossible for him not to feel that this was the voice of the honest warm-hearted Arthur whom he had loved and been proud of in old days; but nearer memories would not be thrust away. He was silent; yet Arthur saw an answer in his face that induced him to go on, with growing earnestness.

32And then, if you would talk to the Poysers—if you would talk the matter over with Mr. Irwine—he means to see you to-morrowand then if you would join your arguments to his to prevail on them not to go.... I know, of course, that they would not accept any favour from meI mean nothing of that kindbut Im sure they would suffer less in the end. Irwine thinks so too. And Mr. Irwine is to have the chief authority on the estatehe has consented to undertake that. They will really be under no man but one whom they respect and like. It would be the same with you, Adam, and it could be nothing but a desire to give me worse pain that could incline you to go.”

33Arthur was silent again for a little while, and then said, with some agitation in his voice, “I wouldn’t act so towards you, I know. If you were in my place and I in yours, I should try to help you to do the best.”

34Adam made a hasty movement on his chair and looked on the ground. Arthur went on, “Perhaps youve never done anything youve had bitterly to repent of in your life, Adam; if you had, you would be more generous. You would know then that its worse for me than for you.”

35Arthur rose from his seat with the last words, and went to one of the windows, looking out and turning his back on Adam, as he continued, passionately,

36Havent I loved her too? Didn’t I see her yesterday? Shan’t I carry the thought of her about with me as much as you will? And dont you think you would suffer more if youd been in fault?”

37There was silence for several minutes, for the struggle in Adams mind was not easily decided. Facile natures, whose emotions have little permanence, can hardly understand how much inward resistance he overcame before he rose from his seat and turned towards Arthur. Arthur heard the movement, and turning round, met the sad but softened look with which Adam said,

38Its true what you say, sir. Im hardits in my nature. I was too hard with my father, for doing wrong. Ive been a bit hard teverybody but her. I felt as if nobody pitied her enoughher suffering cut into me so; and when I thought the folks at the farm were too hard with her, I said Id never be hard to anybody myself again. But feeling overmuch about her has perhaps made me unfair to you. Ive known what it is in my life to repent and feel its too late. I felt Id been too harsh to my father when he was gone from meI feel it now, when I think of him. Ive no right to be hard towards them as have done wrong and repent.”

39Adam spoke these words with the firm distinctness of a man who is resolved to leave nothing unsaid that he is bound to say; but he went on with more hesitation.

40I wouldn’t shake hands with you once, sir, when you asked mebut if youre willing to do it now, for all I refused then...”

41Arthurs white hand was in Adams large grasp in an instant, and with that action there was a strong rush, on both sides, of the old, boyish affection.

42Adam,” Arthur said, impelled to full confession now, “it would never have happened if Id known you loved her. That would have helped to save me from it. And I did struggle: I never meant to injure her. I deceived you afterwardsand that led on to worse; but I thought it was forced upon me, I thought it was the best thing I could do. And in that letter I told her to let me know if she were in any trouble: dont think I would not have done everything I could. But I was all wrong from the very first, and horrible wrong has come of it. God knows, Id give my life if I could undo it.”

43They sat down again opposite each other, and Adam said, tremulously, “How did she seem when you left her, sir?”

44Dont ask me, Adam,” Arthur said; “I feel sometimes as if I should go mad with thinking of her looks and what she said to me, and then, that I couldn’t get a full pardonthat I couldn’t save her from that wretched fate of being transportedthat I can do nothing for her all those years; and she may die under it, and never know comfort any more.”

45Ah, sir,” said Adam, for the first time feeling his own pain merged in sympathy for Arthur, “you and mell often be thinking othe same thing, when were a long way off one another. Ill pray God to help you, as I pray him to help me.”

46But theres that sweet womanthat Dinah Morris,” Arthur said, pursuing his own thoughts and not knowing what had been the sense of Adams words, “she says she shall stay with her to the very last momenttill she goes; and the poor thing clings to her as if she found some comfort in her. I could worship that woman; I dont know what I should do if she were not there. Adam, you will see her when she comes back. I could say nothing to her yesterdaynothing of what I felt towards her. Tell her,” Arthur went on hurriedly, as if he wanted to hide the emotion with which he spoke, while he took off his chain and watch, “tell her I asked you to give her this in remembrance of meof the man to whom she is the one source of comfort, when he thinks of... I know she doesn’t care about such thingsor anything else I can give her for its own sake. But she will use the watchI shall like to think of her using it.”

47Ill give it to her, sir,” Adam said, “and tell her your words. She told me she should come back to the people at the Hall Farm.”

48And you will persuade the Poysers to stay, Adam?” said Arthur, reminded of the subject which both of them had forgotten in the first interchange of revived friendship. You will stay yourself, and help Mr. Irwine to carry out the repairs and improvements on the estate?”

49Theres one thing, sir, that perhaps you dont take account of,” said Adam, with hesitating gentleness, “and that was what made me hang back longer. You see, its the same with both me and the Poysers: if we stay, its for our own worldly interest, and it looks as if wed put up with anything for the sake othat. I know thats what theyll feel, and I cant help feeling a little of it myself. When folks have got an honourable independent spirit, they dont like to do anything that might makeem seem base-minded.”

50But no one who knows you will think that, Adam. That is not a reason strong enough against a course that is really more generous, more unselfish than the other. And it will be knownit shall be made known, that both you and the Poysers stayed at my entreaty. Adam, dont try to make things worse for me; Im punished enough without that.”

51No, sir, no,” Adam said, looking at Arthur with mournful affection. God forbid I should make things worse for you. I used to wish I could do it, in my passionbut that was when I thought you didn’t feel enough. Ill stay, sir, Ill do the best I can. Its all Ive got to think of nowto do my work well and make the world a bit better place for them as can enjoy it.”

52Then well part now, Adam. You will see Mr. Irwine to-morrow, and consult with him about everything.”

53Are you going soon, sir?” said Adam.

54As soon as possibleafter Ive made the necessary arrangements. Good-bye, Adam. I shall think of you going about the old place.”

55Good-bye, sir. God bless you.”

56The hands were clasped once more, and Adam left the Hermitage, feeling that sorrow was more bearable now hatred was gone.

57As soon as the door was closed behind him, Arthur went to the waste-paper basket and took out the little pink silk handkerchief.