33. CHAPTER 33 LESLIE RETURNS

Anne's House of Dreams / 梦中小屋的安妮

1A fortnight later Leslie Moore came home alone to the old house where she had spent so many bitter years. In the June twilight she went over the fields to Annes, and appeared with ghost-like suddenness in the scented garden.

2Leslie!” cried Anne in amazement. Where have you sprung from? We never knew you were coming. Why didn’t you write? We would have met you.”

3I couldn’t write somehow, Anne. It seemed so futile to try to say anything with pen and ink. And I wanted to get back quietly and unobserved.”

4Anne put her arms about Leslie and kissed her. Leslie returned the kiss warmly. She looked pale and tired, and she gave a little sigh as she dropped down on the grasses beside a great bed of daffodils that were gleaming through the pale, silvery twilight like golden stars.

5And you have come home alone, Leslie?”

6Yes. George Moores sister came to Montreal and took him home with her. Poor fellow, he was sorry to part with methough I was a stranger to him when his memory first came back. He clung to me in those first hard days when he was trying to realise that Dicks death was not the thing of yesterday that it seemed to him. It was all very hard for him. I helped him all I could. When his sister came it was easier for him, because it seemed to him only the other day that he had seen her last. Fortunately she had not changed much, and that helped him, too.”

7It is all so strange and wonderful, Leslie. I think we none of us realise it yet.”

8I cannot. When I went into the house over there an hour ago, I felt that it MUST be a dreamthat Dick must be there, with his childish smile, as he had been for so long. Anne, I seem stunned yet. Im not glad or sorryor ANYTHING. I feel as if something had been torn suddenly out of my life and left a terrible hole. I feel as if I couldn’t be Ias if I must have changed into somebody else and couldn’t get used to it. It gives me a horrible lonely, dazed, helpless feeling. Its good to see you againit seems as if you were a sort of anchor for my drifting soul. Oh, Anne, I dread it allthe gossip and wonderment and questioning. When I think of that, I wish that I need not have come home at all. Dr. Dave was at the station when I came off the trainhe brought me home. Poor old man, he feels very badly because he told me years ago that nothing could be done for Dick. 'I honestly thought so, Leslie,’ he said to me today. 'But I should have told you not to depend on my opinionI should have told you to go to a specialist. If I had, you would have been saved many bitter years, and poor George Moore many wasted ones. I blame myself very much, Leslie.’ I told him not to do thathe had done what he thought right. He has always been so kind to meI couldn’t bear to see him worrying over it.”

9And DickGeorge, I mean? Is his memory fully restored?”

10Practically. Of course, there are a great many details he cant recall yetbut he remembers more and more every day. He went out for a walk on the evening after Dick was buried. He had Dicks money and watch on him; he meant to bring them home to me, along with my letter. He admits he went to a place where the sailors resortedand he remembers drinkingand nothing else. Anne, I shall never forget the moment he remembered his own name. I saw him looking at me with an intelligent but puzzled expression. I said, 'Do you know me, Dick?’ He answered, 'I never saw you before. Who are you? And my name is not Dick. I am George Moore, and Dick died of yellow fever yesterday! Where am I? What has happened to me?’ II fainted, Anne. And ever since I have felt as if I were in a dream.”

11You will soon adjust yourself to this new state of things, Leslie. And you are younglife is before youyou will have many beautiful years yet.”

12Perhaps I shall be able to look at it in that way after a while, Anne. Just now I feel too tired and indifferent to think about the future. ImImAnne, Im lonely. I miss Dick. Isn’t it all very strange? Do you know, I was really fond of poor DickGeorge, I suppose I should sayjust as I would have been fond of a helpless child who depended on me for everything. I would never have admitted itI was really ashamed of itbecause, you see, I had hated and despised Dick so much before he went away. When I heard that Captain Jim was bringing him home I expected I would just feel the same to him. But I never didalthough I continued to loathe him as I remembered him before. From the time he came home I felt only pitya pity that hurt and wrung me. I supposed then that it was just because his accident had made him so helpless and changed. But now I believe it was because there was really a different personality there. Carlo knew it, AnneI know now that Carlo knew it. I always thought it strange that Carlo shouldn’t have known Dick. Dogs are usually so faithful. But HE knew it was not his master who had come back, although none of the rest of us did. I had never seen George Moore, you know. I remember now that Dick once mentioned casually that he had a cousin in Nova Scotia who looked as much like him as a twin; but the thing had gone out of my memory, and in any case I would never have thought it of any importance. You see, it never occurred to me to question Dicks identity. Any change in him seemed to me just the result of the accident.

13Oh, Anne, that night in April when Gilbert told me he thought Dick might be cured! I can never forget it. It seemed to me that I had once been a prisoner in a hideous cage of torture, and then the door had been opened and I could get out. I was still chained to the cage but I was not in it. And that night I felt that a merciless hand was drawing me back into the cageback to a torture even more terrible than it had once been. I didn’t blame Gilbert. I felt he was right. And he had been very goodhe said that if, in view of the expense and uncertainty of the operation, I should decide not to risk it, he would not blame me in the least. But I knew how I ought to decideand I couldn’t face it. All night I walked the floor like a mad woman, trying to compel myself to face it. I couldn’t, AnneI thought I couldn’tand when morning broke I set my teeth and resolved that I WOULDN’T. I would let things remain as they were. It was very wicked, I know. It would have been just punishment for such wickedness if I had just been left to abide by that decision. I kept to it all day. That afternoon I had to go up to the Glen to do some shopping. It was one of Dicks quiet, drowsy days, so I left him alone. I was gone a little longer than I had expected, and he missed me. He felt lonely. And when I got home, he ran to meet me just like a child, with such a pleased smile on his face. Somehow, Anne, I just gave way then. That smile on his poor vacant face was more than I could endure. I felt as if I were denying a child the chance to grow and develop. I knew that I must give him his chance, no matter what the consequences might be. So I came over and told Gilbert. Oh, Anne, you must have thought me hateful in those weeks before I went away. I didn’t mean to bebut I couldn’t think of anything except what I had to do, and everything and everybody about me were like shadows.”

14I knowI understood, Leslie. And now it is all overyour chain is brokenthere is no cage.”

15There is no cage,” repeated Leslie absently, plucking at the fringing grasses with her slender, brown hands. Butit doesn’t seem as if there were anything else, Anne. Youyou remember what I told you of my folly that night on the sand-bar? I find one doesn’t get over being a fool very quickly. Sometimes I think there are people who are fools forever. And to be a foolof that kindis almost as bad as being aa dog on a chain.”

16You will feel very differently after you get over being tired and bewildered,” said Anne, who, knowing a certain thing that Leslie did not know, did not feel herself called upon to waste overmuch sympathy.

17Leslie laid her splendid golden head against Annes knee.

18Anyhow, I have YOU,” she said. Life cant be altogether empty with such a friend. Anne, pat my headjust as if I were a little girlMOTHER me a bitand let me tell you while my stubborn tongue is loosed a little just what you and your comradeship have meant to me since that night I met you on the rock shore.”