56. Chapter III. The Sufferings Of A Soul, The First Ordeal

The Brothers Karamazov / 卡拉马佐夫兄弟

1And so Mitya sat looking wildly at the people round him, not understanding what was said to him. Suddenly he got up, flung up his hands, and shouted aloud:

2Im not guilty! Im not guilty of that blood! Im not guilty of my fathers blood.... I meant to kill him. But Im not guilty. Not I.”

3But he had hardly said this, before Grushenka rushed from behind the curtain and flung herself at the police captains feet.

4It was my fault! Mine! My wickedness!” she cried, in a heartrending voice, bathed in tears, stretching out her clasped hands towards them. He did it through me. I tortured him and drove him to it. I tortured that poor old man thats dead, too, in my wickedness, and brought him to this! Its my fault, mine first, mine most, my fault!”

5Yes, its your fault! Youre the chief criminal! You fury! You harlot! Youre the most to blame!” shouted the police captain, threatening her with his hand. But he was quickly and resolutely suppressed. The prosecutor positively seized hold of him.

6This is absolutely irregular, Mihail Makarovitch!” he cried. You are positively hindering the inquiry.... Youre ruining the case....” he almost gasped.

7Follow the regular course! Follow the regular course!” cried Nikolay Parfenovitch, fearfully excited too, “otherwise its absolutely impossible!...”

8Judge us together!” Grushenka cried frantically, still kneeling. Punish us together. I will go with him now, if its to death!”

9“Grusha, my life, my blood, my holy one!” Mitya fell on his knees beside her and held her tight in his arms. Dont believe her,” he cried, “shes not guilty of anything, of any blood, of anything!”

10He remembered afterwards that he was forcibly dragged away from her by several men, and that she was led out, and that when he recovered himself he was sitting at the table. Beside him and behind him stood the men with metal plates. Facing him on the other side of the table sat Nikolay Parfenovitch, the investigating lawyer. He kept persuading him to drink a little water out of a glass that stood on the table.

11That will refresh you, that will calm you. Be calm, dont be frightened,” he added, extremely politely. Mitya (he remembered it afterwards) became suddenly intensely interested in his big rings, one with an amethyst, and another with a transparent bright yellow stone, of great brilliance. And long afterwards he remembered with wonder how those rings had riveted his attention through all those terrible hours of interrogation, so that he was utterly unable to tear himself away from them and dismiss them, as things that had nothing to do with his position. On Mitya’s left side, in the place where Maximov had been sitting at the beginning of the evening, the prosecutor was now seated, and on Mitya’s right hand, where Grushenka had been, was a rosycheeked young man in a sort of shabby huntingjacket, with ink and paper before him. This was the secretary of the investigating lawyer, who had brought him with him. The police captain was now standing by the window at the other end of the room, beside Kalganov, who was sitting there.

12Drink some water,” said the investigating lawyer softly, for the tenth time.

13I have drunk it, gentlemen, I have ... but ... come, gentlemen, crush me, punish me, decide my fate!” cried Mitya, staring with terribly fixed wideopen eyes at the investigating lawyer.

14So you positively declare that you are not guilty of the death of your father, Fyodor Pavlovitch?” asked the investigating lawyer, softly but insistently.

15I am not guilty. I am guilty of the blood of another old man but not of my fathers. And I weep for it! I killed, I killed the old man and knocked him down.... But its hard to have to answer for that murder with another, a terrible murder of which I am not guilty.... Its a terrible accusation, gentlemen, a knockdown blow. But who has killed my father, who has killed him? Who can have killed him if I didn’t? Its marvelous, extraordinary, impossible.”

16Yes, who can have killed him?” the investigating lawyer was beginning, but Ippolit Kirillovitch, the prosecutor, glancing at him, addressed Mitya.

17You need not worry yourself about the old servant, Grigory Vassilyevitch. He is alive, he has recovered, and in spite of the terrible blows inflicted, according to his own and your evidence, by you, there seems no doubt that he will live, so the doctor says, at least.”

18Alive? Hes alive?” cried Mitya, flinging up his hands. His face beamed. “Lord, I thank Thee for the miracle Thou has wrought for me, a sinner and evildoer. Thats an answer to my prayer. Ive been praying all night.” And he crossed himself three times. He was almost breathless.

19So from this Grigory we have received such important evidence concerning you, that—” The prosecutor would have continued, but Mitya suddenly jumped up from his chair.

20One minute, gentlemen, for Gods sake, one minute; I will run to her—”

21Excuse me, at this moment its quite impossible,” Nikolay Parfenovitch almost shrieked. He, too, leapt to his feet. Mitya was seized by the men with the metal plates, but he sat down of his own accord....

22Gentlemen, what a pity! I wanted to see her for one minute only; I wanted to tell her that it has been washed away, it has gone, that blood that was weighing on my heart all night, and that I am not a murderer now! Gentlemen, she is my betrothed!” he said ecstatically and reverently, looking round at them all. Oh, thank you, gentlemen! Oh, in one minute you have given me new life, new heart!... That old man used to carry me in his arms, gentlemen. He used to wash me in the tub when I was a baby three years old, abandoned by every one, he was like a father to me!...”

23And so you—” the investigating lawyer began.

24Allow me, gentlemen, allow me one minute more,” interposed Mitya, putting his elbows on the table and covering his face with his hands. Let me have a moment to think, let me breathe, gentlemen. All this is horribly upsetting, horribly. A man is not a drum, gentlemen!”

25Drink a little more water,” murmured Nikolay Parfenovitch.

26Mitya took his hands from his face and laughed. His eyes were confident. He seemed completely transformed in a moment. His whole bearing was changed; he was once more the equal of these men, with all of whom he was acquainted, as though they had all met the day before, when nothing had happened, at some social gathering. We may note in passing that, on his first arrival, Mitya had been made very welcome at the police captains, but later, during the last month especially, Mitya had hardly called at all, and when the police captain met him, in the street, for instance, Mitya noticed that he frowned and only bowed out of politeness. His acquaintance with the prosecutor was less intimate, though he sometimes paid his wife, a nervous and fanciful lady, visits of politeness, without quite knowing why, and she always received him graciously and had, for some reason, taken an interest in him up to the last. He had not had time to get to know the investigating lawyer, though he had met him and talked to him twice, each time about the fair sex.

27Youre a most skillful lawyer, I see, Nikolay Parfenovitch,” cried Mitya, laughing gayly, “but I can help you now. Oh, gentlemen, I feel like a new man, and dont be offended at my addressing you so simply and directly. Im rather drunk, too, Ill tell you that frankly. I believe Ive had the honor and pleasure of meeting you, Nikolay Parfenovitch, at my kinsman Miüsov’s. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I dont pretend to be on equal terms with you. I understand, of course, in what character I am sitting before you. Oh, of course, theres a horrible suspicion ... hanging over me ... if Grigory has given evidence.... A horrible suspicion! Its awful, awful, I understand that! But to business, gentlemen, I am ready, and we will make an end of it in one moment; for, listen, listen, gentlemen! Since I know Im innocent, we can put an end to it in a minute. Cant we? Cant we?”

28Mitya spoke much and quickly, nervously and effusively, as though he positively took his listeners to be his best friends.

29So, for the present, we will write that you absolutely deny the charge brought against you,” said Nikolay Parfenovitch, impressively, and bending down to the secretary he dictated to him in an undertone what to write.

30Write it down? You want to write that down? Well, write it; I consent, I give my full consent, gentlemen, only ... do you see?... Stay, stay, write this. Of disorderly conduct I am guilty, of violence on a poor old man I am guilty. And there is something else at the bottom of my heart, of which I am guilty, toobut that you need not write down” (he turned suddenly to the secretary); “thats my personal life, gentlemen, that doesn’t concern you, the bottom of my heart, thats to say.... But of the murder of my old father Im not guilty. Thats a wild idea. Its quite a wild idea!... I will prove you that and youll be convinced directly.... You will laugh, gentlemen. Youll laugh yourselves at your suspicion!...”

31Be calm, Dmitri Fyodorovitch,” said the investigating lawyer evidently trying to allay Mitya’s excitement by his own composure. Before we go on with our inquiry, I should like, if you will consent to answer, to hear you confirm the statement that you disliked your father, Fyodor Pavlovitch, that you were involved in continual disputes with him. Here at least, a quarter of an hour ago, you exclaimed that you wanted to kill him: ‘I didn’t kill him,’ you said, ‘but I wanted to kill him.’ ”

32Did I exclaim that? Ach, that may be so, gentlemen! Yes, unhappily, I did want to kill him ... many times I wanted to ... unhappily, unhappily!”

33You wanted to. Would you consent to explain what motives precisely led you to such a sentiment of hatred for your parent?”

34What is there to explain, gentlemen?” Mitya shrugged his shoulders sullenly, looking down. I have never concealed my feelings. All the town knows about itevery one knows in the tavern. Only lately I declared them in Father Zossima’s cell.... And the very same day, in the evening I beat my father. I nearly killed him, and I swore Id come again and kill him, before witnesses.... Oh, a thousand witnesses! Ive been shouting it aloud for the last month, any one can tell you that!... The fact stares you in the face, it speaks for itself, it cries aloud, but feelings, gentlemen, feelings are another matter. You see, gentlemen”—Mitya frowned—“it seems to me that about feelings youve no right to question me. I know that you are bound by your office, I quite understand that, but thats my affair, my private, intimate affair, yet ... since I havent concealed my feelings in the past ... in the tavern, for instance, Ive talked to every one, so ... so I wont make a secret of it now. You see, I understand, gentlemen, that there are terrible facts against me in this business. I told every one that Id kill him, and now, all of a sudden, hes been killed. So it must have been me! Ha ha! I can make allowances for you, gentlemen, I can quite make allowances. Im struck all of a heap myself, for who can have murdered him, if not I? Thats what it comes to, isn’t it? If not I, who can it be, who? Gentlemen, I want to know, I insist on knowing!” he exclaimed suddenly. Where was he murdered? How was he murdered? How, and with what? Tell me,” he asked quickly, looking at the two lawyers.

35We found him in his study, lying on his back on the floor, with his head battered in,” said the prosecutor.

36Thats horrible!” Mitya shuddered and, putting his elbows on the table, hid his face in his right hand.

37We will continue,” interposed Nikolay Parfenovitch. So what was it that impelled you to this sentiment of hatred? You have asserted in public, I believe, that it was based upon jealousy?”

38Well, yes, jealousy. And not only jealousy.”

39Disputes about money?”

40Yes, about money, too.”

41There was a dispute about three thousand roubles, I think, which you claimed as part of your inheritance?”

42Three thousand! More, more,” cried Mitya hotly; “more than six thousand, more than ten, perhaps. I told every one so, shouted it at them. But I made up my mind to let it go at three thousand. I was desperately in need of that three thousand ... so the bundle of notes for three thousand that I knew he kept under his pillow, ready for Grushenka, I considered as simply stolen from me. Yes, gentlemen, I looked upon it as mine, as my own property....”

43The prosecutor looked significantly at the investigating lawyer, and had time to wink at him on the sly.

44We will return to that subject later,” said the lawyer promptly. You will allow us to note that point and write it down; that you looked upon that money as your own property?”

45Write it down, by all means. I know thats another fact that tells against me, but Im not afraid of facts and I tell them against myself. Do you hear? Do you know, gentlemen, you take me for a different sort of man from what I am,” he added, suddenly gloomy and dejected. “You have to deal with a man of honor, a man of the highest honor; above alldont lose sight of ita man whos done a lot of nasty things, but has always been, and still is, honorable at bottom, in his inner being. I dont know how to express it. Thats just whats made me wretched all my life, that I yearned to be honorable, that I was, so to say, a martyr to a sense of honor, seeking for it with a lantern, with the lantern of Diogenes, and yet all my life Ive been doing filthy things like all of us, gentlemen ... that is like me alone. That was a mistake, like me alone, me alone!... Gentlemen, my head aches ...” His brows contracted with pain. You see, gentlemen, I couldn’t bear the look of him, there was something in him ignoble, impudent, trampling on everything sacred, something sneering and irreverent, loathsome, loathsome. But now that hes dead, I feel differently.”

46How do you mean?”

47I dont feel differently, but I wish I hadn’t hated him so.”

48You feel penitent?”

49No, not penitent, dont write that. Im not much good myself, Im not very beautiful, so I had no right to consider him repulsive. Thats what I mean. Write that down, if you like.”

50Saying this Mitya became very mournful. He had grown more and more gloomy as the inquiry continued.

51At that moment another unexpected scene followed. Though Grushenka had been removed, she had not been taken far away, only into the room next but one from the blue room, in which the examination was proceeding. It was a little room with one window, next beyond the large room in which they had danced and feasted so lavishly. She was sitting there with no one by her but Maximov, who was terribly depressed, terribly scared, and clung to her side, as though for security. At their door stood one of the peasants with a metal plate on his breast. Grushenka was crying, and suddenly her grief was too much for her, she jumped up, flung up her arms and, with a loud wail of sorrow, rushed out of the room to him, to her Mitya, and so unexpectedly that they had not time to stop her. Mitya, hearing her cry, trembled, jumped up, and with a yell rushed impetuously to meet her, not knowing what he was doing. But they were not allowed to come together, though they saw one another. He was seized by the arms. He struggled, and tried to tear himself away. It took three or four men to hold him. She was seized too, and he saw her stretching out her arms to him, crying aloud as they carried her away. When the scene was over, he came to himself again, sitting in the same place as before, opposite the investigating lawyer, and crying out to them:

52What do you want with her? Why do you torment her? Shes done nothing, nothing!...”

53The lawyers tried to soothe him. About ten minutes passed like this. At last Mihail Makarovitch, who had been absent, came hurriedly into the room, and said in a loud and excited voice to the prosecutor:

54Shes been removed, shes downstairs. Will you allow me to say one word to this unhappy man, gentlemen? In your presence, gentlemen, in your presence.”

55By all means, Mihail Makarovitch,” answered the investigating lawyer. In the present case we have nothing against it.”

56Listen, Dmitri Fyodorovitch, my dear fellow,” began the police captain, and there was a look of warm, almost fatherly, feeling for the luckless prisoner on his excited face. I took your Agrafena Alexandrovna downstairs myself, and confided her to the care of the landlords daughters, and that old fellow Maximov is with her all the time. And I soothed her, do you hear? I soothed and calmed her. I impressed on her that you have to clear yourself, so she mustn’t hinder you, must not depress you, or you may lose your head and say the wrong thing in your evidence. In fact, I talked to her and she understood. Shes a sensible girl, my boy, a goodhearted girl, she would have kissed my old hands, begging help for you. She sent me herself, to tell you not to worry about her. And I must go, my dear fellow, I must go and tell her that you are calm and comforted about her. And so you must be calm, do you understand? I was unfair to her; she is a Christian soul, gentlemen, yes, I tell you, shes a gentle soul, and not to blame for anything. So what am I to tell her, Dmitri Fyodorovitch? Will you sit quiet or not?”

57The goodnatured police captain said a great deal that was irregular, but Grushenka’s suffering, a fellow creatures suffering, touched his goodnatured heart, and tears stood in his eyes. Mitya jumped up and rushed towards him.

58Forgive me, gentlemen, oh, allow me, allow me!” he cried. Youve the heart of an angel, an angel, Mihail Makarovitch, I thank you for her. I will, I will be calm, cheerful, in fact. Tell her, in the kindness of your heart, that I am cheerful, quite cheerful, that I shall be laughing in a minute, knowing that she has a guardian angel like you. I shall have done with all this directly, and as soon as Im free, Ill be with her, shell see, let her wait. Gentlemen,” he said, turning to the two lawyers, “now Ill open my whole soul to you; Ill pour out everything. Well finish this off directly, finish it off gayly. We shall laugh at it in the end, shan’t we? But, gentlemen, that woman is the queen of my heart. Oh, let me tell you that. That one thing Ill tell you now.... I see Im with honorable men. She is my light, she is my holy one, and if only you knew! Did you hear her cry, ‘Ill go to death with you’? And what have I, a penniless beggar, done for her? Why such love for me? How can a clumsy, ugly brute like me, with my ugly face, deserve such love, that she is ready to go to exile with me? And how she fell down at your feet for my sake, just now!... and yet shes proud and has done nothing! How can I help adoring her, how can I help crying out and rushing to her as I did just now? Gentlemen, forgive me! But now, now I am comforted.”

59And he sank back in his chair and, covering his face with his hands, burst into tears. But they were happy tears. He recovered himself instantly. The old police captain seemed much pleased, and the lawyers also. They felt that the examination was passing into a new phase. When the police captain went out, Mitya was positively gay.

60Now, gentlemen, I am at your disposal, entirely at your disposal. And if it were not for all these trivial details, we should understand one another in a minute. Im at those details again. Im at your disposal, gentlemen, but I declare that we must have mutual confidence, you in me and I in you, or therell be no end to it. I speak in your interests. To business, gentlemen, to business, and dont rummage in my soul; dont tease me with trifles, but only ask me about facts and what matters, and I will satisfy you at once. And damn the details!”

61So spoke Mitya. The interrogation began again.