28. Chapter XXVIII A Dilemma

Adam Bede / 亚当·比德

1It was only a few minutes measured by the clockthough Adam always thought it had been a long whilebefore he perceived a gleam of consciousness in Arthurs face and a slight shiver through his frame. The intense joy that flooded his soul brought back some of the old affection with it.

2Do you feel any pain, sir?” he said, tenderly, loosening Arthurs cravat.

3Arthur turned his eyes on Adam with a vague stare which gave way to a slightly startled motion as if from the shock of returning memory. But he only shivered again and said nothing.

4Do you feel any hurt, sir?” Adam said again, with a trembling in his voice.

5Arthur put his hand up to his waistcoat buttons, and when Adam had unbuttoned it, he took a longer breath. Lay my head down,” he said, faintly, “and get me some water if you can.”

6Adam laid the head down gently on the fern again, and emptying the tools out of the flag-basket, hurried through the trees to the edge of the Grove bordering on the Chase, where a brook ran below the bank.

7When he returned with his basket leaking, but still half-full, Arthur looked at him with a more thoroughly reawakened consciousness.

8Can you drink a drop out oyour hand, sir?” said Adam, kneeling down again to lift up Arthurs head.

9No,” said Arthur, “dip my cravat in and souse it on my head.”

10The water seemed to do him some good, for he presently raised himself a little higher, resting on Adams arm.

11Do you feel any hurt inside sir?” Adam asked again

12Nono hurt,” said Arthur, still faintly, “but rather done up.”

13After a while he said, “I suppose I fainted away when you knocked me down.”

14Yes, sir, thank God,” said Adam. I thought it was worse.”

15What! You thought youd done for me, eh? Come help me on my legs.”

16I feel terribly shaky and dizzy,” Arthur said, as he stood leaning on Adams arm; “that blow of yours must have come against me like a battering-ram. I dont believe I can walk alone.”

17Lean on me, sir; Ill get you along,” said Adam. Or, will you sit down a bit longer, on my coat here, and Ill prop yup. Youll perhaps be better in a minute or two.”

18No,” said Arthur. Ill go to the HermitageI think Ive got some brandy there. Theres a short road to it a little farther on, near the gate. If youll just help me on.”

19They walked slowly, with frequent pauses, but without speaking again. In both of them, the concentration in the present which had attended the first moments of Arthurs revival had now given way to a vivid recollection of the previous scene. It was nearly dark in the narrow path among the trees, but within the circle of fir-trees round the Hermitage there was room for the growing moonlight to enter in at the windows. Their steps were noiseless on the thick carpet of fir-needles, and the outward stillness seemed to heighten their inward consciousness, as Arthur took the key out of his pocket and placed it in Adams hand, for him to open the door. Adam had not known before that Arthur had furnished the old Hermitage and made it a retreat for himself, and it was a surprise to him when he opened the door to see a snug room with all the signs of frequent habitation.

20Arthur loosed Adams arm and threw himself on the ottoman. Youll see my hunting-bottle somewhere,” he said. A leather case with a bottle and glass in.”

21Adam was not long in finding the case. Theres very little brandy in it, sir,” he said, turning it downwards over the glass, as he held it before the window; “hardly this little glassful.”

22Well, give me that,” said Arthur, with the peevishness of physical depression. When he had taken some sips, Adam said, “Hadn’t I better run to thhouse, sir, and get some more brandy? I can be there and back pretty soon. Itll be a stiff walk home for you, if you dont have something to revive you.”

23Yesgo. But dont say Im ill. Ask for my man Pym, and tell him to get it from Mills, and not to say Im at the Hermitage. Get some water too.”

24Adam was relieved to have an active taskboth of them were relieved to be apart from each other for a short time. But Adams swift pace could not still the eager pain of thinkingof living again with concentrated suffering through the last wretched hour, and looking out from it over all the new sad future.

25Arthur lay still for some minutes after Adam was gone, but presently he rose feebly from the ottoman and peered about slowly in the broken moonlight, seeking something. It was a short bit of wax candle that stood amongst a confusion of writing and drawing materials. There was more searching for the means of lighting the candle, and when that was done, he went cautiously round the room, as if wishing to assure himself of the presence or absence of something. At last he had found a slight thing, which he put first in his pocket, and then, on a second thought, took out again and thrust deep down into a waste-paper basket. It was a womans little, pink, silk neckerchief. He set the candle on the table, and threw himself down on the ottoman again, exhausted with the effort.

26When Adam came back with his supplies, his entrance awoke Arthur from a doze.

27Thats right,” Arthur said; “Im tremendously in want of some brandy-vigour.”

28Im glad to see youve got a light, sir,” said Adam. Ive been thinking Id better have asked for a lanthorn.”

29No, no; the candle will last long enoughI shall soon be up to walking home now.”

30I cant go before Ive seen you safe home, sir,” said Adam, hesitatingly.

31No: it will be better for you to staysit down.”

32Adam sat down, and they remained opposite to each other in uneasy silence, while Arthur slowly drank brandy-and-water, with visibly renovating effect. He began to lie in a more voluntary position, and looked as if he were less overpowered by bodily sensations. Adam was keenly alive to these indications, and as his anxiety about Arthurs condition began to be allayed, he felt more of that impatience which every one knows who has had his just indignation suspended by the physical state of the culprit. Yet there was one thing on his mind to be done before he could recur to remonstrance: it was to confess what had been unjust in his own words. Perhaps he longed all the more to make this confession, that his indignation might be free again; and as he saw the signs of returning ease in Arthur, the words again and again came to his lips and went back, checked by the thought that it would be better to leave everything till to-morrow. As long as they were silent they did not look at each other, and a foreboding came across Adam that if they began to speak as though they remembered the pastif they looked at each other with full recognitionthey must take fire again. So they sat in silence till the bit of wax candle flickered low in the socket, the silence all the while becoming more irksome to Adam. Arthur had just poured out some more brandy-and-water, and he threw one arm behind his head and drew up one leg in an attitude of recovered ease, which was an irresistible temptation to Adam to speak what was on his mind.

33You begin to feel more yourself again, sir,” he said, as the candle went out and they were half-hidden from each other in the faint moonlight.

34Yes: I dont feel good for muchvery lazy, and not inclined to move; but Ill go home when Ive taken this dose.”

35There was a slight pause before Adam said, “My temper got the better of me, and I said things as wasn’t true. Id no right to speak as if youd known you was doing me an injury: youd no grounds for knowing it; Ive always kept what I felt for her as secret as I could.”

36He paused again before he went on.

37And perhaps I judged you too harshIm apt to be harshand you may have acted out othoughtlessness more than I should habelieved was possible for a man with a heart and a conscience. Were not all put together alike, and we may misjudge one another. God knows, its all the joy I could have now, to think the best of you.”

38Arthur wanted to go home without saying any morehe was too painfully embarrassed in mind, as well as too weak in body, to wish for any further explanation to-night. And yet it was a relief to him that Adam reopened the subject in a way the least difficult for him to answer. Arthur was in the wretched position of an open, generous man who has committed an error which makes deception seem a necessity. The native impulse to give truth in return for truth, to meet trust with frank confession, must be suppressed, and duty was becoming a question of tactics. His deed was reacting upon himwas already governing him tyrannously and forcing him into a course that jarred with his habitual feelings. The only aim that seemed admissible to him now was to deceive Adam to the utmost: to make Adam think better of him than he deserved. And when he heard the words of honest retractation—when he heard the sad appeal with which Adam endedhe was obliged to rejoice in the remains of ignorant confidence it implied. He did not answer immediately, for he had to be judicious and not truthful.

39Say no more about our anger, Adam,” he said, at last, very languidly, for the labour of speech was unwelcome to him; “I forgive your momentary injusticeit was quite natural, with the exaggerated notions you had in your mind. We shall be none the worse friends in future, I hope, because weve fought. You had the best of it, and that was as it should be, for I believe Ive been most in the wrong of the two. Come, let us shake hands.”

40Arthur held out his hand, but Adam sat still.

41I dont like to sayNoto that, sir,” he said, “but I cant shake hands till its clear what we mean byt. I was wrong when I spoke as if youd done me an injury knowingly, but I wasn’t wrong in what I said before, about your behaviour tHetty, and I cant shake hands with you as if I held you my friend the same as ever till youve cleared that up better.”

42Arthur swallowed his pride and resentment as he drew back his hand. He was silent for some moments, and then said, as indifferently as he could, “I dont know what you mean by clearing up, Adam. Ive told you already that you think too seriously of a little flirtation. But if you are right in supposing there is any danger in itIm going away on Saturday, and there will be an end of it. As for the pain it has given you, Im heartily sorry for it. I can say no more.”

43Adam said nothing, but rose from his chair and stood with his face towards one of the windows, as if looking at the blackness of the moonlit fir-trees; but he was in reality conscious of nothing but the conflict within him. It was of no use nowhis resolution not to speak till to-morrow. He must speak there and then. But it was several minutes before he turned round and stepped nearer to Arthur, standing and looking down on him as he lay.

44Itll be better for me to speak plain,” he said, with evident effort, “though its hard work. You see, sir, this isn’t a trifle to me, whatever it may be to you. Im none othem men as can go making love first to one woman and then tanother, and dont think it much odds which ofem I take. What I feel for Hettys a different sort olove, such as I believe nobody can know much about but them as feel it and God as has given it toem. Shes more nor everything else to me, all but my conscience and my good name. And if its true what youve been saying all alongand if its only been trifling and flirting as you call it, asll be put an end to by your going awaywhy, then, Id wait, and hope her heart ’ud turn to me after all. Im loath to think youd speak false to me, and Ill believe your word, however things may look.”

45You would be wronging Hetty more than me not to believe it,” said Arthur, almost violently, starting up from the ottoman and moving away. But he threw himself into a chair again directly, saying, more feebly, “You seem to forget that, in suspecting me, you are casting imputations upon her.”

46Nay, sir,” Adam said, in a calmer voice, as if he were half-relievedfor he was too straightforward to make a distinction between a direct falsehood and an indirect one—“Nay, sir, things dont lie level between Hetty and you. Youre acting with your eyes open, whatever you may do; but how do you know whats been in her mind? Shes all but a childas any man with a conscience in him ought to feel bound to take care on. And whatever you may think, I know youve disturbed her mind. I know shes been fixing her heart on you, for theres a many things clear to me now as I didn’t understand before. But you seem to make light owhat she may feelyou dont think othat.”

47Good God, Adam, let me alone!” Arthur burst out impetuously; “I feel it enough without your worrying me.”

48He was aware of his indiscretion as soon as the words had escaped him.

49Well, then, if you feel it,” Adam rejoined, eagerly; “if you feel as you may haput false notions into her mind, and made her believe as you loved her, when all the while you meant nothing, Ive this demand to make of youIm not speaking for myself, but for her. I ask you t’ undeceive her before you go away. Y’aren’t going away for ever, and if you leave her behind with a notion in her head oyour feeling about her the same as she feels about you, shell be hankering after you, and the mischief may get worse. It may be a smart to her now, but itll save her pain ithend. I ask you to write a letteryou may trust to my seeing as she gets it. Tell her the truth, and take blame to yourself for behaving as youd no right to do to a young woman as isn’t your equal. I speak plain, sir, but I cant speak any other way. Theres nobody can take care oHetty in this thing but me.”

50I can do what I think needful in the matter,” said Arthur, more and more irritated by mingled distress and perplexity, “without giving promises to you. I shall take what measures I think proper.”

51No,” said Adam, in an abrupt decided tone, “that wont do. I must know what ground Im treading on. I must be safe as youve put an end to what ought never to habeen begun. I dont forget whats owing to you as a gentleman, but in this thing were man and man, and I cant give up.”

52There was no answer for some moments. Then Arthur said, “Ill see you to-morrow. I can bear no more now; Im ill.” He rose as he spoke, and reached his cap, as if intending to go.

53You wont see her again!” Adam exclaimed, with a flash of recurring anger and suspicion, moving towards the door and placing his back against it. Either tell me she can never be my wifetell me youve been lyingor else promise me what Ive said.”

54Adam, uttering this alternative, stood like a terrible fate before Arthur, who had moved forward a step or two, and now stopped, faint, shaken, sick in mind and body. It seemed long to both of themthat inward struggle of Arthursbefore he said, feebly, “I promise; let me go.”

55Adam moved away from the door and opened it, but when Arthur reached the step, he stopped again and leaned against the door-post.

56Youre not well enough to walk alone, sir,” said Adam. Take my arm again.”

57Arthur made no answer, and presently walked on, Adam following. But, after a few steps, he stood still again, and said, coldly, “I believe I must trouble you. Its getting late now, and there may be an alarm set up about me at home.”

58Adam gave his arm, and they walked on without uttering a word, till they came where the basket and the tools lay.

59I must pick up the tools, sir,” Adam said. Theyre my brothers. I doubt theyll be rusted. If youll please to wait a minute.”

60Arthur stood still without speaking, and no other word passed between them till they were at the side entrance, where he hoped to get in without being seen by any one. He said then, “Thank you; I needn’t trouble you any further.”

61What time will it be conven’ent for me to see you to-morrow, sir?” said Adam.

62You may send me word that youre here at five oclock,” said Arthur; “not before.”

63Good-night, sir,” said Adam. But he heard no reply; Arthur had turned into the house.